“We all fall off the bike at some stage in our life. Some recover and go on to fall off over and over again. Some never get back on properly. A couple get the top of a hill on a tandem bike. The woman on the front exclaims, “my goodness that was the hardest hill I’ve ever done” – the guy on the back says “yes, me too, I was so worried that we wouldn’t make it, I kept the brake on to make sure we didn’t roll backward.” Don’t be like that. Make sure you’ve cleared the past properly as you enter a new beautiful love. This book can help.”
BACK ON YOUR BIKE AUDIO BOOK PART 3 of 4.
Other things that block personal magnetism are:
Hating your job
Lethargy
Overweight
Alcohol and substance
Too little exercise
Poor attention to environment (see next chapter) Worry and stress
Time poor for silence
Too much internet and TV Being alone
Stuck in Your Comfort Zone
The Number 1. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Hating your job!
The law of interconnectedness in nature frees you up to break down the barriers between one area of your life and another. In nature, it is impossible to be bipolar – that’s a human idea. In nature one pole creates the other, there are always two sides to everything. You know that now. So, a job you hate creates a polar position in your life, and sets up some other area of your life to balance it. That other area is often relationship. Love is not the opposite to hate. The opposite to hate is infatuation. Infatuation means to gush, to be overwhelmed with excitement, to have a childlike enthusiasm. And you know how that’s going to end because there is no such sustainable place in the whole, entire universe. So, a job you hate doesn’t create a relationship you love, it creates a relationship you infatuate and that means, in simple emotional unintelligence and gut feel levels of life, heartbreak, Over and over and over. So, to magnetise yourself – love your work and recognise that the partitions between one area of your life and another are fictitious. If you set up polarities then recognise them. If you love your sport and get a whole heap of excitement from it, plan to have something in another area of your life not feel rewarding.
You can’t avoid balance in your life. Instead, maybe you can balance each area of your life. Have the ups and downs in your sport and ups and downs in your relationship and ups and downs in your work. Then you can separate what you like and dislike from what you love. Love, in nature, means support and challenge. So, if you like and dislike something, then if you are aware, you know that you love it. That might contradict some of your more gut feel and emotional intelligence paradigms (body and mind levels of thinking) but it will compliment your spirit level (vision, inspiration and purpose) which is all about creating the future you’ll be living soon.
The Number 2. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Lethargy (unfinished depression, grief, anger, frustration and hopelessness)!
I have discovered from hundreds of consults with single people that there’s a disconnect between reality and fantasy that makes being in a relationship really difficult. Lets begin by making the most wonderful discovery, “Nature demands that we be in a relationship” so you are never single. This contradicts so much of what people perceive to be reality. People say to me “I’m single” but that’s just impossible. The thing is however, nature doesn’t really care what you call a relationship. She’s not at all invested in what you relate to. For example: you might have a dog and love that animal with so much affection and yet you might not have a life partner. You are not single you are in a relationship and that’s perfect unless you walk around thinking that the dog doesn’t count. It does.
Another example, really common, is a parent. You might meet the perfect person and they might say they are totally ready to fall in love and be in a partnership with you but you suddenly notice that their dynamic with their parents is extremely co-dependant. I’ve met women in coaching who are over 40 and yet they seek permission and approval from their parents. These people are not single, they are in relationships already.
So any attempt to find a life partner will only be partial. Some piece of them is AWOL, (absent without leave) and is attached to mum or dad. These existing relationships can be extremely strong even though the individual says they are single, they are not single. Other examples include: children from past relationships, church groups, money, work, pride and audiences (fans). But the most difficult to deal with is not in that list so far. The most difficult relationship that single people can be in, is with themselves. This terrible addiction can be to their youth, a lost dream, victimhood, anger at someone, disappointment in life itself, and frustration.
Those are addictions to emotions and they are so often endorsed by attending yoga classes, save the whales groups, eat organic clubs and more. Those addictions need empathy and sympathy and it’s often found in the more esoteric “world peace” communities. There are few things more toxic to a new form of relationship (life partner) that the addiction to the old form. That can be, as mentioned, an ex, or family, a cat or dog, but the worst of it, is the hidden attachment to an emotional story about life and the past. All anger, depression, grief and frustration comes from attachment to the past, and those attachments and the stories that create them can block new attachments, they are the love of that person’s life. To prove that, just try questioning the stories…. as I must… and see how much people invest in emotional concrete. It’s really demagnetising to hold those emotional and other attachments. Letting them go must come before the new arrives. If you have been single for more than 3 months, be 100% guaranteed you are not single, you are attached to someone, something, some story, somewhere and it may be wise to deal with that.
Start with your early experiences in your family and then move through your romantic relationship history. Develop awareness for how love patterns from childhood are repeating in your adult romantic relationships. When being cared for in childhood meant dismissal, rejection or invalidation, people are more likely to choose partners with these same traits. Familiarity can feel like love, even when it is not. As you carefully develop awareness of your love history and how your needs went met or unmet, you will develop a greater ability to see others as they really are.
Ask yourself if in your adult relationships you are playing the same role you did as a child? Have you adopted the role of one of your parents or even the role you played in a previous romantic relationship? Become fully aware of who you are choosing to become romantic with and assess whether they remind you of a dysfunctional relationship from your past. Learn to take time to get to know people who treat you well and make you feel good. Surround yourself with friends or family who are compassionate and kind toward you.
The Number 3. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Overweight!
I don’t know what overweight is. I don’t know where right weight is. Nature doesn’t have a pictorial map that says you should or shouldn’t carry fat. I suspect that in winter we should all carry more fat than summer, so I suspect our ideal weight will fluctuate a few kg.
The key however, is not what your weight is, but rather whether you are putting on weight. If you were 70kg and now you are 110kg over 5 years, I’d predict that your relationship energy is mostly being consumed, eating yourself, or drinking yourself, to death. Putting on weight is a relationship disaster. It is proof to you that you are storing a friend inside your skin, a protector, a nurturer, a security blanket, and for some people, it seems they are storing a whole community in there. All you need to remember is that your body weight gets between you and love.
It’s not about love for yourself or love for someone, it’s about emotional protection, that’s all that extra weight is about. If you think you need protection then you are in your gut feel or emotional unintelligence. Be wiser to recognise the cost of fat to your capacity to turn up with an open heart. Overweight is only protecting your heart – but from what? What would nature do to hurt you that didn’t help you. Nature would never do that.
Maybe it’s time to get back the trust you had in the universe, god or nature and take back some that you threw at someone else. Trust is best put where trust is true. Human nature can be trusted but never trust emotions or gut feel both of which are expressed in words. Words cannot be trusted, because they come from the polarity of gut feel and emotion… both are half stories. Remember, there are two sides to everything, including your stories.
The Number 4. Thing that turns off your Magnet is Alcohol and substance abuse!
Single people drink more than double. Double people have each other to breathe on at night, fart on when their stomach gets bloated, stumble on when they are drunk and argue with when their head is out of control.
So, double people usually don’t drink too much, they know it affects their love life too. But single people, who don’t share a bed, can drink themselves into a stupor, fart under the sheets and burp disgusting alcohol all over the house without fear of reprisal. So, you can tell single people from double people. They drink and take drugs more. But lets be really mindful. There are a huge number of double people who are single.
If a person walks around a home that they share with their partner and farts and burps and doesn’t give a shot about their partner’s experience, then they are a single person using a relationship to avoid a fear. Relationships that are used to avoid a fear are ok, as long as both agree that there’s a low level of “spirit” element and a high level of the “body – mind” element in the satisfaction they achieve.
I mean to say, sometimes people just want a convenience. You see them together and they are unaffectionate, quarrel a lot, drink a lot, eat a lot and go on expensive holidays that they usually report were disasters in some way or another. These relationships cause people to die young because the issues breed stress and that stress is gradually eating away at their existence. Nature won’t allow relationships to be unproductive, so all the tension and drama is productive. Ultimately it might cause both people to become conscious of their purpose and step forward. There’s no rush because that couple might, on their death bed, realise the depth of love they were holding but couldn’t express.
The Number 5. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Too little exercise!
I once asked a client who had been single for a while, and wanted a relationship badly, what they were missing in their life and why they were so hungry for a relationship. The answer she said was “sex… I miss sex.”
One of my closest friends was once a prostitute and she gave me the best quote ever for this sort of idea for a relationship. She said “most men come to prostitutes and relationships because they are just too lazy to masturbate.” I shared this with my client and she laughed until she cried. “you are so right.”
The more you exercise the more you enjoy sex, and the less lazy you become to masturbate. It’s not a contradiction, or an either or, it’s about vitality and libido. If you feel that your life is inspired (thinking from inspiration and heart levels of intuition) you will get horny, but if you aren’t getting exercise, daily vigorous exercise, you start thinking that you need sex.
So, exercise frees you up to meet a partner and share sex in a great loving space instead of fulfilling a physical need. Physical sex is nice but that’s not going to bring a great person into your life, it’s going to bring a replacement masturbator – vibrator – who walks and talks. That’s fine, as long as you aren’t looking for more.
Nature loves sex, every specie on the planet does it. Animals do it from instinct, remember that’s the human equivalent of “gut feel”. So if you want love, then bring your animal instinct along and enjoy the celebration of nature but there is so much more and rather than base the relationship on your laziness, maybe it’s better to base it on your spirit, your vision, inspiration and purpose in a self sustaining, horny environment.
Remember, nature grows anything that’s fulfilling its purpose and as long as your relationship is linked to you vision, inspiration and purpose, your relationship will be a sexy, emotionally romantic, inspirational love nest. So, for goodness sake, go for exercise, not in a gym unless you are in Iceland, go outside and get fresh air, ski, run, jump, dance, cycle, paddle, walk, skip, bend, twist and do it around trees that oxygenate your body. Don’t go to classes and gyms that are indoor. You’ll blow most of the magnetism flirting and comparing. Get outside and expand your horizon with nature then bring home the hormones and the libido to your work, your love for life and your sexy new partner.
The Number 6. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Poor attention to environment (see next chapter)!
The Number 7. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Worry and stress!
Thinking too much makes you are total bore, both to yourself and others. Thinking too much turns into talking too much. Talking too much turns into thinking too much The antidote is to STFU.. I will not expand that acronym but the first word is shut, the second is the and the last is up.
You need silence, Silence is what you need in order to allow another mind – body energy to experience yours. If you are always hypothesising, sprouting your wisdom, sharing your deep profound insights or worrying about work or your hair, you are going to crowd out the space, fill it with noise and become your own worst enemy.
You want magnetism? You want powerful energy between you and others?
Shut up…. listen more than speak, never speak about yourself. Ask questions. Keep some of your wisdom and knowledge and information back, Many, many of my business clients get paid a fortune to think a lot. That thinking can be proactive and inspired or it can be worry. You can’t have one without the other because, there are two sides to everything. So there’s no on or off switch to thinking. You can’t stop thinking. All you can do is think smart, think dumb, think worry, think stress and or think inspired. If you can think more inspired then there are fewer words, more profound connection and the experience is magnetic.
If you think dumb, emotional, gut feel then you suck people’s energy because you are draining your own just opening your mouth. This is about as far separate from nature as you can get because this is the highest point of the emotional intelligence, a separate “self actualised” space. That’s separation extreme. It might make you feel important and confident but it sucks, anything that makes you separate, eventually sucks and puts you into an emotional funk.
What creates emotion causes all emotional problems. You can’t have good and wonderful emotional experiences without their opposite. When you are connected to nature and others, you have less emotional swings because something is more important that following your emotions. They are very unreliable. Follow nature’s guide instead.
The Number 8. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Time poor for silence!
I get letters and emails from people complaining that their life is hectic, they are time poor. I write back and say “count your lucky stars because love needs intensity.” Anyone in a great relationship is busy. Being busy can be a real stress or you can choose to throw away that “poor me” busy language and insert, inspired, instead. Inspired in life, inspired by nature you are full. You don’t sit around drinking gin and tonics wasting your valuable life, You read, you play, you do and when you stop for silence you do it with intensity, not sitting on a deck chair wasting your own and your partner’s life.
What’s the difference between poor me I’m busy and whoopee lucky me, I’m inspired and in love? The answer is nothing. They are exactly the same but one is seen as a curse and a mad scramble to get things done with a bludgeoning panic and overwhelm and the other causes a need for prioritisation, time management, mindfulness, and a commitment never ever to be late. I remember a night I went out for a romantic dinner with a lady I was seeing. We had been dating and sleeping together for a few months but I was more into it than she was. She was still attached t her past and was working her way through it at a snail pace. We arranged to meet at a local restaurant at 7.00pm. At 7.20pm I put the table on hold and walked up toward her apartment which was nearby and there she was talking to a friend on the phone. It was a playful conversation and so I just stood politely and waited.
We walked together back to the restaurant but I knew we were not going to get to a healthy space. Her commitment to the value of our time together was low, and therefore her capacity to bring magnetism and love was low. They are one in the same thing. Time value is life value. To be magnetic, turn busy into intensity and time into moments of connection. Never lose that and you will automatically be attracting amazing partners. Nature guarantees it.
The Number 9. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Too much internet and TV!
You can be anyone you want on Facebook. You can be a Greenpeace activist, a sport fanatic, a save the children leader and a yogi. All this while sitting in your lounge room watching TV. You can become a legend in your own lunch box on the internet. It makes you hard to live with because ironically you are going to want to have your partner treat you like your “friends” like you on Facebook In other words you want them to believe that what you say is more a truth than what you do. Get off the frigging internet if you want a relationship deal with real. It’s easy to watch TV and think you are living, you are not living when you watch TV. If you watch TV with your partner you are not in a relationship. You are in a TV sitting next to someone. If you sit on the internet you are in a relationship with the internet. It’s not life. Don’t let it confuse you.
In 20 years they will recognise that TV is sending people mad. It is a toxin. It is sending you out of your heart and into your gut. There is nothing wrong with being in your gut as long as there is a whole keyboard of intuition, all the way from the bottom “gut” to the top “inspiration.” but TV is not a whole keyboard. The shows target your GUT – they show every low extreme of polarity of emotion. Low to low. That’s no place to go. The most important thing in TV is story. Stories are wonderful, they entertain and encourage us. But they are emotional intelligence and unintelligence.
The full spectrum of empathy, compassion, sympathy and hate. So, that’s where you resonate when you watch TV. No problem? Well if you watch TV and go to bed you resonate at emotional unintelligence and your thoughts go there in your night. You drift in and out of story and you might think this is wonderful but then you might also ask why your life is not inspired, why your love is in decline and why you might be putting on weight and never ever link it to the vibration of TV. But I’d suggest that’s the first thing to break. The addiction to the “idiot box” as we used to call it. If you go to anywhere in the world where people are in struggle, poverty, violence, addiction and obesity, and measure the time they spend in front of TV you’d be shocked. Those people could learn a trade or a skill or an art but no, the TV is their life and their life is not good. This is bloody important. I’m not hammering entertainment, or the internet or TV.
I’m hammering the complaints people make that their life is in the shit and their relationship isn’t romantic or who are fattening up like a prize bull and who still sit and watch TV too much. My suggestion is one hour a day. My suggestion is to get off Facebook unless it’s business. My suggestion is to pre-record TV shows and cut out the adds. My suggestion is to read the news, not watch it. My suggestion is to be the comedy not tune into it. I have many suggestions. They are not about right or wrong, no need to get upset, just recognise the correlation between wealth, quality of life, inner peace, heart, inspiration, romance and success and not watching too much of the “idiot box.” Do it instead of watching it.
The Number 10. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Being alone !
If you would love someone to love being with you, you best get used to liking being with you. That means meditating. Yup, meditating. So, I will quickly give you a slice of meditation here because there is a lot of options in meditation and most of them make your life worse rather than better.
Firstly, please get past the idea that in meditation you close your eyes. That’s not meditation. That’s something else that will send you crazy in the end, and certainly down into your gut although it might feel like into your nirvana.
Second, you don’t have to sit cross legged with your fingers all curled up, you can do it walking down the street although you might need to be mindful of your speed because you will not have a grip on how fast or slow you’ll be walking.
Third, if your posture is crooked, then you’ll meditate crooked and end up all bent out of shape, meaning in your emotional unintelligence. So, we’re progressing. Next, you don’t need to be spiritual or have a spiritual motive. You can simply want to learn to love being with you so someone else will. Next you need to be intense, not wallowing in bliss but really time precious, focussed and deliberate. All that ho hum meditation is about relaxation so, that’s not meditation, it’s relaxation. Are you still with me? Next you must be able to become aware of sound, sight, feel, smell and taste all at once. This is called “Yoke” and you are yoking if you don’t do it… (joke there)…
Finally, instead of developing a sense of self based on you and how great you are for being in meditation, you start to feel that you are connected to things, people, places, and everything. In other words you lose your “self” image and gain a bigger experience of being the water, the sky, the earth, the ant. Actually, if you really get into it, meditation can be done 24/7 because you can feel this sense of connection continuously, even while making love, fishing, playing tennis or working at your desk. So, rather than learn meditation so you can do more, you learn it so you can do less. You learn meditation – I call nature’s meditation, mobile meditation, so life becomes it. You are doing it by living it.
Then there is no separation between you and your partner, nor anyone else for that matter. Or between you and a telegraph pole. You lose your identity and ultimately gain, flexibility. This is the real flexibility of yoga not the mysterious obsession people have with sticking their leg egotistically behind their head, no matter if you put your head up your bum, you are not more enlightened than a fat man sitting in a spa tub.
The Number 11. Thing that turns off your Magnet is – Stuck in Your Comfort Zone!
If early in life loving one or both of your caretakers left you feeling undervalued, then you may unintentionally pick undependable or inattentive lovers who tend to dismiss your needs or emotional experiences. It can be intoxicating to meet a person who triggers old love patterns. What was once a powerless child who felt at the mercy of an inattentive caregiver becomes a powerful adult who, with an inattentive partner, has the hope and wish they he will magically change his inattentive ways for her, because he sees her as worthy and special. Sadly the intrigue and allure that he will become something she has never before experienced gives way, and she is left feeling once again hopeless about finding real love. When you do date someone who is directly loving toward you or genuinely interested in knowing the real you, you may not feel the ‘spark’ simply because he does not match your early learning history and resulting neuronal wiring. Push yourself out of your comfort zone; get to know new types of people—even if at first they do not elicit the intense chemistry and intrigue to which you have become accustomed.
Turning on Your Magnet – Attend to your Environment – You are the Environment you create for people.!
Create a Space for A Relationship to Thrive in
“People who find, live in and sustain a great relationship create creative space. They develop environments that support creativity. They develop an attitude that supports creative thinking. That means space, colour, time out, community gatherings, entertainment, laughter and spontaneity. They support the unusual and diverse.
Global Environmental Change Begins at Home
50% of your life is in chaos, 50% is in order. If you want to have a happy life, a romantic life, then appreciate the benefit of both. Correspondingly, 50% of your environment is going to be a mess, cluttered and out of control, 50% is going to be in control and uncluttered. If you tidy one area and get it perfect, then another area is going to become cluttered and chaotic. 50% does not mean half. It really refers to the amount of turbulence, dysfunction and mess. Lets see:
Have you met people who are absolutely anal retentive about something? They are wonderful people because they really do help you organise what they think is super important. They are great but there are two sides to everything and if you were to look at their life you would find an area they just didn’t care about. I had a friend who was meticulous in the kitchen, in her computer work in her clothing, but if you asked about her health, it was a disaster. If you looked behind the bedroom door, there was a clothing bag full of dirty laundry almost two weeks old. For her, as long as the bag was sealed and hanging in the right place, it was organised. We all see order differently.
I have the most amazing filing system for my tax papers. It’s a box at my feet at my desk. The box is neat and attractive, it’s not an eye sore. Inside the box are all my year’s receipts, tax papers, credit card dockets, invoices – chucked in a big heap. There’s just a jumble and I don’t find that at all intimidating. For me this is order because it is sort of chronologically thrown in. I find things when I need them really quickly. If you went to find something, you’d be there for a week. I tried all sorts of filing systems and found them to be ways to lose things alphabetically. This chaos is my order.
So, with clutter and environment. It is really important for you to consider where you are going to be anal retentive and where not. The ideal way to consider this is to allow clutter in your lower priorities in life and work for order in your higher priorities. In my life my writing, clients and seminars are my highest priorities followed closely by my research. You’d find that area of my life totally clutter free, organised to perfection. Tax on the other hand is a necessity, and for me, clutter here is ok as long as it’s in a box and doesn’t get my head distracted on my desk where I do my highest priorities. So this brings us to your relationship.
The reason you are single is because something else, other than a partner, is more important to you. That might not correspond to your level of discomfort in being single, or your conversations with friends about your desire for love in your life, but it’s simply a fact. If you are single then something else is significantly more important than a partner. It might be a child, it might be wealth, it might be health, it might be your spiritual journey. Something is more important than a partner because the only thing stopping you from accepting a partner in your life is your attachment and prioritisation of something more important. It is also the reason that many existing relationships fail.
If you are single and then you really prioritise relationship in order to find one, then once you have a relationship your priorities will go back to what they were when you were authentically single. You might go back to the love of your work, the love of your sport, the love of your children from a previous marriage or even the love of a religion or spiritual guru. If you do that, then your partner might be in shock. They were seduced by a person who made them feel like they were king or queen of your realm and now they are left with the dregs of your time and energy. This is a big problem but it’s easily solved.
It’s called sales and marketing.
In sales and marketing you might be selling dog collars. Your priority is making money so your values are not healthy dogs, proud ownership or safety for animals. Your priorities are totally different from the people you are dealing with. So, what do you do? Do you lie and make your priorities different so that you can fake that dogs are important to you, or do you sales and market your product authentically? I’d suggest the latter. Here’s how…. you care.
When you care about your partner or client they feel that you are making their priorities your priorities. This is not faking it, it’s caring. Caring simply means that you sincerely care about what is important to somebody else and then you link caring to your priorities. Here’s another sales and marketing example: my partner cared about food, where it comes from, how it’s cooked and who grew it. She even cared about the carbon footprint the transport of the food left. She cared about how the animal or fish died and whether it was a humane death. If I was to rank my highest 100 priorities down to my lowest, all of those topics would not even get a mention. Yet, I love making love. So, how did I turn my partner on? Sales and marketing is the answer. I spoke to her in her values in order to get my values met. I took her to great restaurants that cared about all those values she valued and sat through hours of blabla bla, bla, bla……. about organics. In order not to be bored I linked every word she said about food to kissing her later. The more she spoke the more horny I got and the more she spoke about food and had a great listener, the more horny she got. When people feel that their values are being met, they get libido. That’s sales and marketing. Make people horny for your product by talking and listening in their values.
Now, was there any in-authentic behaviour in this? No. This is life. Everyone has their priorities and in a relationship they are never, ever, ever, ever the same. In fact if two people come together with the same priorities, one isn’t necessary. That’s nature’s magnificent design. We meet and collude on different priorities but we intersect on how we can achieve them.
Lets now talk about environment… and how this relates to priorities.
You create clutter free, ordered space in the arena that you consider to be your highest priority. If you spend all day scrubbing the floor in order to have a wonderful relationship, one might think you’ve gone off on a tangent (unless you plan a little floor based loving). But if you were to put your emotional life in order, and if you were to create a wonderful schedule of time so that your energy wasn’t burnt out from stress and panic attacks from being late all the time, you would be 100% laying the ground work for prioritising a new relationship.
If you spend all day on Facebook talking to friends and family and yet you claim to be in search of new love in your life, one could be accurate in saying you’re lying to yourself. You’re doing one thing and wanting another. It’s like people who want to lose weight and yet drink alcohol. Alcohol is sugar, sugar puts on weight, losing weight means less sugar. Can you see that these contradictions create hell?
So, if you are real about prioritising the finding of new love, remembering this might not be your long term sustainable value, you will recognise that sales and marketing are crucial and the most important things to a self-respecting future partner (someone who isn’t desperate or working from their “gut” needs) will begin at ground zero… The environment you create.
Here are some bad environmental signals
- Are you so busy you can’t make time for a call during the day?
- Are you so distracted that your sense of humour is sporadic?
- Are you still dressed in your work clothes when you go out for dinner – disorganised?
- Are you so in the moment that after sex you don’t text when you travel?
- Are you so self obsessed that you think people want what you want out of a relationship?
- Are you smelly – feet, breath, hair, underarm, pussy, backside – totally ignorant?
- Are you up yourself – talking about your values instead of theirs?
- Are you telling or asking – feeling somehow superior or wiser or inferior, insecure?
- Are you over doing the attraction – revealing your discontent with your life – needy yuk?
- Are you talking about, relating to, bouncing off or conditional to your ex – compromised?
- Are you overweight and trying to lose it – lost and hoping for a white knight or princess?
Ok so those are just a few… add stressed, nervous, depressed, grieving, exhausted, frustrated and worried about money issues and you start to see how a bit of nature’s inspiration might be an essential value adding environmental change agent for your real objective.
Please recognise that all the above bad environmental things will put the bug into a relationship whether you have them before you meet or after. They are relationship killers. The key here is that you create an aura around you. That aura has nothing to do with how fat or stressed you are. It has everything to do with how you are dealing with your problems.
You are always going to have problems to deal with in your life. Stress, busy, distracted, time poor, preoccupied, self-obsessed (healing an illness like a flu or toothache), up yourself after a win, feeling insecure, dealing with the past, over weight – those things are here to stay. It’s how you deal with these things that determines whether you are going to sustain the sales and marketing (lets call it seduction and romance) that keeps your partner engaged and in love with you, or whether you are going to be complacent and bring that crud home and have it blow your life and dream of a great relationship out the window. You can choose. Nature can help. I can show you how simply by using Nature Based Strategies for Life.
Creating a Loving Space – Choosing where to prioritise your efforts.!
If you are single and thinking about being double then a great and easy place to start is in the space you’ve created at home. Your dishes and shirts and undies and toothpaste are all convenient for who? For you. If you want to attract a partner start making space for them. At least pick up a spare tooth brush and some nice bathroom products to bring out on that special occasion.
I hear people say that they’d rather wait until they meet someone, which is understandable. But one of the secrets in success is to believe it before you see it. Acting as if it’s true is one of the secrets to business success, and it’s the same in love, believe it before you see it.
So, a powerful step in changing your status quo is to begin with a change in your environment. That means, things, clothes, standards of dress, decorations, art, undies, sporting gear, home, jewellery, friends, cafe’s, modes of transport. And more…
You can start today … clean out the undies, change the room, fix the office, organise the bathroom, improve the space.
Ditch anything that you associate with a past partner, jewellery, gifts and photos. Those past partner’s are in your heart, you don’t need their energy smothering your open window. Everything has energy so, give, sell or dump it. Make space for the new, even leave a picture frame blank or insert a picture of a happy couple you imagine you will become. It’s important.
Environmental awareness starts in your life not with whales and forests and frogs. All that is fine but you need to get your house in order. put on some sandals, before you go out coating the world in leather. That’s a big message from nature. Be the change you want the world to experience.
Take it one step further and change your approach to how you look. Not randomly or with a clothing consultant. Change your approach to your private upkeep first. Mow those nose hairs, wax that moustache, have a hair cut or a wax on your back. I mean present yourself differently. There are men I meet with enough hair coming out of their nose the plant a full coconut plantation and some women with smelly armpits and handbags that have been sitting in the dirt on the floor of taxi’s and busses. This all makes a difference.
Start paying attention to your eating habits, like the way you eat and how you hold your cutlery. I hear people complain about their partner’s eating habits more than any other complaint. I know it sounds trivial if you are really in love, but being in love and being turned on by someone are two different things, and you do want both, I can assure you of that.
We are the environment we create. It all starts at home.
What goes on outside of us reflects the inside. If we create a spacious, uncluttered home our mind and heart become spacious and uncluttered. An uncluttered life has room for a relationship. A cluttered life has room for needs to get fulfilled. You can choose which one you think will satisfy you.
Try an experiment. Clutter your desk. Make it messy. See if it’s true that a messy desk is a messy mind.
Sometimes a messy mind is good, it’s creative and playful, but if your workload goes up or there’s a sudden stress and your mind is scattered, overwhelmed then you might end up in goofball territory. I mean, everything is easy when everything is going your way. That’s going to happen 50% of the time. For the other 50% you are going to need some support because there’s going to be challenge and confusion and uncertainty. I think having an organised space prepares you for that challenge. But it also indicates you are ready.
If your world is cluttered and your life is just one panic after the other you might be hoping that a relationship will solve that. But that’s not going to happen. Relationships don’t solve problems, the exacerbate them. They grow. So if you are cluttered and out of control before a relationship, it’ll only get worse with one.
So today begin the cycle of improving your environment and creating a loving space for your relationship. Create empty time where you would go out if you were with someone. Sit in a bath as you would do if you were with someone. Clean sheets, nice undies, a shower before bed. Act like you are with someone even if you are not. That’s called “the power of attraction.”
Can you see nature’s role in creating a great environment in your home office and mind? This is most important for discipline, clear mind and body and ask yourself how you can bring more nature into your work and home life.
SPRING CLEAN -even in winter – start with your filing system – but you might even go to a colonic and spring clean your intestines.
Consider your hair cut, your clothes, your computer cover. Consider all the affirmations you have around you that signal your appreciation for yourself. Remember, if you appreciate someone else’s dreams and personality and luck and wealth and health more than your own, you are putting them up and yourself down (in nature nothing is missing).
You can’t give what you haven’t got so appreciate yourself and the form of your environment, your mindfulness about order and cleanliness. Treat yourself with abundance, so you can appreciate others.
Go look in your sock, stocking and undies draw and throw out the odd sox, the crappy undies, and the holy stockings. Give yourself no choice but to upgrade what is underneath your clothing because that is a part of your environment too. Don’t keep stuff for camping trips and then start slipping them back into use because you forgot to do the laundry.
Look at your shoes, your brief case, what’s in your brief case and what’s dangling from your arm and neck. Look at it with a non sentimental eye. Does this represent where you’ve been or where you’re going. If it’s where you are going then great, if not, dump it.
Clear the energy in your space by looking around your life for things that are toxic. Clear away stuff that was gifted to you by someone you’ve moved on from. Bring into your home and office what resonates with your vision in life rather than what resonates with where you were.
I’ve worked with a lot of people in underprivileged environments. What is amazing to find out is that those people with the most time on their hands, unemployed, with no sense of hope for the future, have the most disgusting and dirty environments. Which do you think comes first? Does low self worth breed disgusting environments or do disgusting environments breed low self-worth?
Irrespective of the answer to that question, what we clearly know is that they are linked. Not only are they linked for those who are in underprivileged circumstances but they are linked for those in extremely privileged circumstances. I have met so many entrepreneurs and business people who have averaged a plateau in their career, the glass ceiling so to speak, but who are treating themselves in the way they dress and act as they were in the past. So their behaviour and mode of dressing is reflecting the position that they are stuck in in the world. This is not about fashion. This is about recognising that people do judge the book by the cover but it’s not the people who are judging us that I keeping us stuck, it’s ourselves. When we fail to recognise that we are repeating who we were in the past, by constraining our environment to what it looked like in the past, we are subconsciously sabotaging any attempt to escalate our life and improve our vision, inspiration or purpose.
Challenge:
Go to magazines and cut out pictures that show what you want to resonate with. Separate them into the seven areas of life. This is the new you, the new resonation and add pictures from all different sources. You want to appreciate your opportunity. Now, over the next days, look at your clothing, ask yourself this: “do those clothes reflect the me that I want to become in the future? If not – give em up. Don’t wait for the new to arrive – make the space in your life for the new – and then get magazines and choose your brand style – choose a cost level .. beware of synthetic fabrics that carry charges and go for wool, cotton and silk where possible. Throw away fake watches, you are no fake.
I have spent many years of my life in spiritual retreats all over the world. When I first started going I thought it was because I was entering a new philosophy or a transformation in my spiritual consciousness and that was why I felt so amazingly clear and openhearted. But that wasn’t why. The environment in a spiritual retreat is pristine, everything has its place, they clean the buildings three times a day, nothing is out of place. There is a respect for the environment that includes the clothes you wear and the robes of the monks. Nothing is left to chance they know that the external environment has a massive impact on the internal environment of a human being. The art reflects the mysticism of the higher thinking. This is the sort of thinking you need to maintain for a new relationship to come into your life and thrive.
I went home to the family world of a couple who were experiencing the final throes of a relationship breakdown. As I went into the front door of their house there was a picture of Marlon Brando, in a swamp filled cage being tortured in the jungles of a war-torn Asian nation. The husband loved the movie but the wife hated it and yet this was the centre-piece of their home. A metaphor that he believed that her feelings about this picture didn’t affect them. She feared drawing a boundary and accepted this monstrosity to adorn the walls of their love nest. That this was just the beginning of what I witnessed in an environment that gave the relationship very little support.
When you put on your clothes in the morning, put a little love into it. Be glad you have something nice to wear. For that matter, it is highly important that you would be wise to love your clothing and appreciate wearing it. I think it’s better to have one suit of the finest wool than five synthetic ones. But it’s not just what people see, choose good quality underwear to wear next to your skin. Give consideration to beauty and elegance in the clothing you wear.
These considerations will cause a rise in your self-appreciation. You will become less needy, more confident, and you will attract a different sort of person. Of course, the commitment is not just for the courtship, or the honeymoon, it’s forever, a constant improvement process.
People will begin to remark how much better, or younger, you are looking. You will be invited to more gatherings, more often. Your opinion will be more respectfully listened to.
When you appear well, it must be because you have succeeded at something so others will reason that because you look well, you are well and that attracts a healthy partner.
STAY CONNECTED – THE IMPORTANCE OF RITUAL!
“People who find, live in and sustain a great relationship balance elations, they don’t take the credit; they don’t take blame.”!
So much of life is coincidence and serendipity and yet when things go right we take credit and correspondingly when things go wrong we take blame. This up-and-down roller-coasters has a major impact on your availability to turn up in a relationship.
It’s necessary to have this conversation. I know it feels fantastic when you achieve something to go out and drink champagne and party until the wee hours of the morning. But I also know it feels terrible when you lose something and you go out and drink beer and commiserate until the wee hours of the morning feeling sorry for yourself and others. What most people don’t understand is that they are connected.
If you go up with the others you will go down with the Downers. So the drinking and celebrating and the commiserating and depression are one in the same topic. Let me give you a great example: when I was studying Buddhism and practising Zen meditation I achieved an incredible moment of enlightenment. In that moment of enlightenment I was transported. I can’t say I was transported outside my body but the boundaries of my body evaporated and I became just connected with everything around me. This experience was like dissolving and becoming everything. The experience itself had no emotion. It was simply an event but I was very used to the idea of celebrating victories. So the second it finished I jumped up from my crippled cross-legged position and ran outside trying to find someone to tell about it. This experience is called elation and it is the basis of celebration. In simple language it means taking credit.
Now, taking credit for enlightenment is like taking credit for the moon going around the Earth. Really I had nothing to do with but it felt fantastic and so I wanted to publicise my victory. This is the exact cause of depression. If you meet people who suffer from depression you will also notice the exact same people suffer from elation. When things go well for a person who suffers depression they will publicise their success and tell you how great things are. In fact, there are philosophies and therapies that encourage this sort of publicity as an antidote for depression but it’s more likely to be the cause.
When you become elated you become separated. You begin a fight with nature and she’s not going to lose that fight. What she will do is bring you back to centre. In the process of bringing you back to centre she will create a counterbalance to the elation and this is called a depression. So, as much as taking credit and having any relation might feel fantastic it is guaranteed to cause its opposite because that is how nature brings you back to centre.
While you are in an elation or in a depression you are not in a relationship. You are not in a relationship because you are not available for one. You are in some sort of paradox of self-created separation.
If you are lucky enough to have blind faith in a God through religion then you will understand that this elation and depression is resolved whenever you give credit to your creator. But if you are like me and don’t have that blind faith in religion then you have to understand that there is a greater hand in your life than you, you are not separate. When you start to take things as being 100% in your own control you separate yourself from the serendipity and guidance of nature. Remember, it’s mother nature, not father nature, mother nature is here to nurture and guide you so everything that happens is not in your total control and some things are happening to guide you to a better place to be.
When things go wrong it is really important that you play out the movie of what might have happened if they’d gone right. Last week in Bondi, the temperature was 37° and the whole beach was filled with hot and exhausted people trying to get cool. The very next day the temperature plummeted and the beach was deserted. On this day a man had a heart attack while driving his car lost control and ploughed down between two parked cars, across the walkway where hundreds of people had been walking the day before, and directly at full speed onto the beach where thousands of people were some baking only 24 hours earlier. These sorts of events impact thousands if not millions of people but we don’t get the opportunity to play out the video of what would have happened if something hadn’t gone wrong. We might say over the weather is bad today and be disappointed that we can’t go to the beach but do we ever say I wonder what the benefit or the guidance of nature was from that negative experience.
Taking credit and taking blame separate you from the voice of something bigger, they disconnect you from an explanation of your life that puts everything that happens to you in a completely different context. Taking credit and taking blame put you 100% in the drivers seat for every single circumstance that impacts your life and makes most of those circumstances completely unexplainable and ultimately frustrating.
Remembering that there are two sides to everything. The benefit of taking credit and blame is that you have massive ups and downs and this generates lust and lust generated passion. So in those relationships that are functioning on gut feel and emotional intelligence taking credit and taking blame is part of the game. That means there will be passion and they will probably be violence. So even in relatively religious domestic environments there is a lot of passion and there is a lot of violence because people take credit and take blame for what goes on in their life.
This is where spirituality overrides religion. Because religion has a huge amount to do with morality and ethics there is potential for blame and credit. If you do wrong you will be blamed and if you do right, give the church credit. there is a huge opportunity for being blamed for the downside and getting no credit for the upside. So that paradigms can be shifted in spirituality because spirituality has no attachment to right and wrong. Spirituality is not a moral or ethical conversation is about love and self-respect. Self-respect comes from connection to nature and understanding that there is order in the chaos in a matter how good or bad it appears.
Rituals, practised on a daily basis can keep us connected to the bigger picture and therefore help negate any tendency to take credit or blame and therefore become disconnected from each other. If you want to feel a genuine sense of interconnectedness between you and a partner it starts with feeling a genuine connectedness between you and nature and this needs to happen before you get involved in a relationship rather than afterwards. Although either will be beneficial.
I consider ritual to be one of the most important parts of a relationship. If I’m working with people who are looking forward to getting into a new relationship I will encourage them to develop a ritual long before they meet a partner. That ritual will include getting up before sunrise, waking inspired, doing the Innerwealth power hour, having stillness as me time in nature, and doing gratitude exercises, the emotional shower, before bed. These are really simple rituals and they are great because they demonstrate that you are holding your space and maintaining your own responsibility for your life and if you give them up when you get into a relationship you know you’ve just handed away your power and increased the probability of the relationship failing. To learn those rituals I created the 30 day challenge which is an online program that last 30 days and teachers rituals from self-management and self-respect. Nature-based strategies for life.
Another great awareness that can support you in being prepared for a welcoming a great relationship is to increase your focus on the word give.
- G = Gratitude
- I = Inspiration
- V = Vision
- E = Enthusiasm
Gratitude
Relationships are beautiful, but sometimes they don’t feel that way. We do not solve our problems by finding a relationship. It takes a different perspective in you to solve those problems, a perspective that rises up and finds gratitude. The pathway to that solution is mother nature and the universal laws.
Inspiration
When the inner voice speaks louder than the outer voices, you are in your true nature. That’s a great asset when the mix and spin of love and relationship comes to your life. You must welcome challenge as a part of a new relationship, anything less will fail. You must welcome stress, confusion and uncertainty and confrontation with as much enthusiasm as you welcome their opposites, those things you want. So, the secret is inspiration. Inspiration is home base, if you have inspiration you have home ground advantage wherever you are. Inspiration simply means interconnectedness. You are connected to everything so your boundaries disappear and you become connected. That’s the source of real sustainable relationship and love.
Vision
Vision is a fast, no fuss method of resolving uncertainty, eliminating negative states of mind, resolving conflicts, both internal and external, that offers you a new and more profound way of looking at life. It provides you with a leading edge methodology, a life advancing process, and a high achievement formula that helps you create significant changes in your attitude to, and actions in, life. You will own more of the power, joy and inspiration that nature intended for you. Every human determines their destiny – their attraction or repulsion to others – instead of labelling yourself good or bad, nature suggests a more self respecting path which starts with a “vision.”
Enthusiasm
I don’t know how to describe enthusiasm except in the attitude of Steve Irwin, famous for his engagement with nature and animals and his love of nasty crocodiles. Enthusiasm isn’t elation, it’s a sense of being where you are meant to be, an place beyond doubt that this thing you are doing, this life you are living is yours perfectly. Enthusiasm is calm, it is not a hype or overkill or any form of wooppie do, it’s calm, deep and real. You find it when you find your true nature.
