This episode brought to you by the universal laws of nature. All of them. But mostly Law #2. The Law of Evolution. “Every problem is an opportunity to learn love.”
Solving problems is important. But learning from the problem is more important. If you solve a problem but you don’t learn from it, then the problem just shifts to another place. So it’s not really solved is it.
If there is not a cost then we do not want to solve problems. The cost of the problem is the biggest issue. If the problem is painful then it’s a really big cost. If the problem is someone else’s then we do not have a big cost but they try to project the cost onto us.
This is particularly true of kids. When a parent has a problem and a high cost, but the child has no cost, then the child doesn’t want to solve the problem but the parent does. Then, the parent might try to convince the child that there’s a cost, and project that onto the child. This is how kids become paranoid.
The other sort of issue we have is when people keep the pain of their problem to themselves. Then there is a cost that is not being communicated and people don’t see the reason the person wants change. No one can comprehend the reason the person isn’t happy.
Hidden costs, like emotional pain, loneliness, uncertainty and confusion feeling unloved or inadequate are deep. They hide amongst the smiles and achievements. Those painful costs are emotional and can, if not detected lead to all manner of dysfunction.
When we work with a problem we need to understand the cost that person is experiencing and make sure that they are the ones in pain, not ourselves. We sometimes want to fix people because it will make us feel better, not always them. When we meddle with people it is critical to understand human nature first.
There are seven areas of life. And when a person has a behaviour in one area of life that we see as a problem they have the opposite in another area of their life. Expressed and repressed problems. If you see a person going into too much detail, and you think it’s a problem, then first look to see where they are the complete opposite. You are better to work on the opposite not the problem.
As an example. A man came to me many years ago with a drinking problem. He was a billionaire and an amazing businessman. So successful. His drinking was, as a problem solver, unusual because it appeared that there was no good reason for it. Now, many people had tried to help him with the drinking and he was referred to me to help him. But, like I’ve said earlier, it is wiser to look for the opposite and fix that. So, what’s the opposite to his drinking problem.
Drinking problems are caused by the consumption of an innocent product that makes discomfort go away. The drinking therefore is not the problem but the discomfort that it is fixing is the problem. Discomfort can be physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, financial, social and relationship. It can be one or all sources. So, we explored his costs, his pains, and it turns out he was just lonely. Now, he was married, but he was lonely, that’s weird isn’t it?
The loneliest I have ever been was in NYC, New York with 30 million people and I’m lonely? Weird. But loneliness comes mostly when you think everyone else is having a great time of it, and you aren’t. Loneliness comes when we compare ourselves to others and think we are weird or different or not as happy. That’s the great pain of loneliness, we begin not to like ourselves not for any other reason than thinking we are not as good as someone. Not as happy as someone.
This billionaire was married to a very young and beautiful Honkong princess type of woman who dressed like millions and looked like millions and really hammed it up, but she was a dead miserable person who in her private life, around him, only felt great when he didn’t. She couldn’t stand him to be happy because it revealed her misery.
The coaching was not about that. If one part of himself was lonely because he was comparing himself to her and others and coming up second best, then there must have been in him the complete opposite who compared himself to no one, who just felt fantastic and amazing, and of course, you can see it, it was his business acumen. Where he was on one side of him a champion on the other side he was a loser. Instead of fixing the loser I focussed on the champion.
How did I lower the esteem of the champion without sabotaging his business and personal wealth?
It is easy. I got him to stop taking credit for his success. You see, when he identifies as the sole cause of his success, he builds that superiority and when he does that, the law of balance just builds a repressed self that balances it. I simply lowered the esteem he was bragging about how amazing and fantastic he was and helped him give more thanks to others, luck, universe, god, creator, nature and everything we could find to thank. Instead of taking credit, he thanked his lucky stars.
That lowered his high self esteem and allowed his low self esteem at home to rise. He then gave himself persmission not to put the keys to his happiness in someone else’s pocket and stopped allowing her criticism to cut him. That was an automatic byproduct of the coaching, not the focus of it. She, his flash wife, didn’t like it, she really dished up some rhetoric about me, and that’s ok. I’m not here to win friends. Eventually, he decided he would be better off alone, so he could operate a little more authentically between work and home. He still kept drinking a few drinks but not what we call a problem anymore, there was now nothing to escape from.
I’m not sure how his business went after this. My guess would be slightly lower profits but much much more sustainable and enjoyable. I’d guess his health improved and I do know he met a beautiful woman. Who wasn’t quite as flashy but much more classy. She’s a power in her own life and doesn’t need to put people down to feel big. I know that because I introduced them and she was my client. Ahh, Chris, the match maker.
It leads to another story. When I coached a couple who were trying to get pregnant it was taking way too long and they were having lots of effort to make it work. Bonking at all hormonal hours of the day. It didn’t work. Instead of working on the problem they thought they had, I worked on where the opposite was.
If they are unable to have a baby on one side of their character and they were really sincere about having that, then, there was the opposite on the other side of themselves. Already full, already not wanting complications, already satisfied, and we searched for it. What we found was infatuation. Infatuation with the ideal of family, with the ideal of babies and the ideal of perfect home, so their desire was in fact already fulfilled with a myth. I simply had to get them to list all the downside of having a baby, and break that myth of the perfect baby life. Once we did that, there was less enthusiasm for the baby. That result you might think would make her and him less fertile but this is not the cause of pregnancy. Infatuation with the other person, or with sex itself can create fertility so I had them explore the beauty of sex, of intimacy, I got her to sketch her pussy and him to sketch his cock and not be ashamed. Then she drew his and he hers. This is how babies are made in the world of hormones. They are byproducts of a fertility that comes from two people attracted, infatuated with each other. Wanting a baby is no cause for fertility.
The point of this today is that love in nature’s universe is the balance, that a problem has its opposite and if you want to solve a problem you must also look for the opposite. It is most often the case that the quality we encourage in people causes the opposite and we call the opposite a problem but it is not, it is the result of what we encourage in people.
That’s the end of today’s Episode.