Yesterday with the help of Deborah, we spoke about healing. Today, Chris Walker has given me, your American voice host, the gratious and most magnanimous opportunity to share his most wonderful wisdom and I am so humbled and grateful for this amazing, super hero man, this wise guru, the most amazing, gorgeous, wonderful, Bondi based, super hero of the world and Mr Nature, that he allows this very humble voice man to share his incredible stories. sn, sn, sn excuse me while I wipe a tear of gratitude from my robotic eye….I LOVE CHRIS SOOOOOOO MUCH.
Today, Chris has asked me to share episode 6. of the 100 things he wishes his dad had told him… “Certainty and presence intensify healing.” I’m looking forward to sharing his wisdom, are you ready for it. Buckle up… here we go.
Yesterday, we discovered that we are all at some level wounded. And those wounds, result in muscle memories of things that went right, and things that went wrong in the past but also, in our fears and projections of the future. We learnt that our imagination of the future can put a muscle memory into our body similar to a nightmare in our sleep can make us worry whether it’s going to happen or not. And, we learnt more.
We learnt that muscle memory is deep. Really deep. Soul deep. You may have heard about people with post traumatic stress. Those people have deep muscle memories and no matter how much alcohol they consume, how many therapists they go to see, even take drugs and medications, those muscle memories stay put and drive their life. Often to suicide. So, that must give you incredible empathy for yourself and trying to get access to and heal up your muscle memories.
The reason you would be motivated to deal with these muscle memories is because they run your life. Your wounds make you choose your partner, especially the person you have children with. They make you stress about stuff at work, they make you go to hospital with illness and all sorts of biological problems. Muscle memories, your wounds make you choose the colour of your car, your undies, the sport you play. So many of the big choices you make in your life are made by reaction. And so, it’s often hard to understand why you’re not perfectly content.
But not every choice is wrong. Not every reaction is bad. The real question is therefore which ones are reactions to unknown wounds and which ones are actions, on purpose, in the direction of your true life.
For example: 99% of children are born into a wound driven relationship. Without the wound the world population would not survive. So, wounds are a part of life and nature. You will always choose the wrong partner for the right reason. Your relationship, that first one with the love of your life, the other parent of your children, is always, 100%, not based on love. It is based on the quest for happiness. And that quest, has the driving force of overcoming the unhappiness that wounds and negative stress causing muscle memories have created.
The purpose of a relationship is not happiness. But, that first marriage, and the babies that are born into it to keep the flame alive, are built to search for and find and loose and find happiness. We can all admit it. But why is it so?
I must say, as the American voice robot dictating and translating Chris’ writing at this stage I wish to put myself at arms length from what he is saying because it is making me very uncomfortable just in case Mrs Robot voice hears this and leaves me. Ok, now, back to the show.
The question, before I was rudely interrupted by Artificial intelligence A.I. ROBOT MAN, was, Why is it so? Why, do we enter relationships to search for happiness when the purpose of a relationship is not happiness?
Firstly, nobody understands the difference between love and infatuation until the infatuation burns out. Suddenly, after a given period of time, when the infatuation starts to burn out, which we mistakenly called love, we start introducing things to cause what we thought was love to be rekindled. We start making babies, and houses, and holidays. We start adding icing to the cake because the cake, is boring, it no longer solves our quest for happiness. This quest, remember, is based on wounds and muscle memories that are hidden, deeply, from view.
Secondly, we all have ego’s. Our ego can put on make-up, dress in Armani, write amazing things about save the whales on Facebook and make comments on websites about how much we love or hate someone. and we can make money and have very important jobs with all the post traumatic stress in the world, because sometimes that muscle memory or wound drives a brilliant performance in those areas of life. So, if the purpose of life is to evolve, and living from the ego, searching for happiness, was the end of the story, nobody would evolve at all. We’d just build big egos and eat lots of sugar and make more babies.
So, there is one place where the bullshit is revealed. One part of life that doesn’t comply with the wounds, the muscle memories, the post traumatic stress, nor does it carry willingly the wounds of the parents into those children who, at the age of 9 -13 tell the parents to fuck off with their wounds and deal with it.
Suddenly with the infatuation that was mistaken for love, gone, and the redirection of the source of replacement infatuation redirected away from the pushing back children, the couple find themselves in deep shit.
IT’S ROBOT MAN AGAIN and NOW I AM RESENTING CHRIS, I Don”T LOVE HIM ANYMORE…
Gosh that robot man is starting to appreciate the difference between infatuation and love….
So, where were we? Oh, yes, all relationships, especially those with children, are driven by wounds and muscle memories and post traumatic stresses that we want to escape from and find happiness. But we agreed, didn’t we? That the purpose of a relationship is not happiness.
When the infatuation goes, resentment comes, when resentment threatens the relationship, children are born, and infatuation is reborn too. For a while, and then another child, and then, a new house, and then, at some point, an affair or the pursuit of wealth, or whatever is born to keep the infatuation alive and the resentment that comes with it, at bay.
But it doesn’t work. This is where the greatest opportunity of all that relationships have to offer comes awake. To learn the difference between infatuation that drives people and love.
To love someone, we must first love ourselves and to love ourselves we must, no option, dig up the dead. We must exhume the bodies of memories long forgotten, the good, the bad and the ugly we put behind us, the incident at school where the teacher stuck a finger up your bum or the continual fear of being abandoned or whatever. That, buried mess, usually associates directly with our transparent judgements of people in our current day. So, the digging is easy.
Every judgement we have of people today, especially a partner reveals our wounds. Those judgements are at the root of infatuation and resentment and we think good judgements (attraction) is love and bad judgements (repulsion) is a failed relationship. But this is a turning point, an opportunity, not a failure.
An opportunity to learn and grow and evolve, just as nature intended. To become a leader, not by leading, but by understanding the magnificent difference between infatuation and love. In this there is massive strength and healing.
But there is an escape from the opportunity. That escape is lack of presence, not turning up in life. To be, as they say, lights are on but nobody’s home. Alcohol achieves this perfectly. But, work stress or obsession with the kids can be a good one too.
Another escape from the opportunity to evolve to love is doubt. It’s the best escape. With doubt comes a softening of desire, a justification to go easy, to back off, to accept the status quo because doubt makes commitment and willpower, and discipline justifiably weak.
Oh, fuck, this is robot man again. I started infatuated with Chris, I called it love. Then I got resentful, I called it as him being wrong. I now get both feelings at once, I suddenly, even me, robot man, see what the difference is. I really Love you Chris Walker.
Oh, thanks Robot man.
And to you my students. I hope you now understand why presence and certainty intensify healing. They build the funnel of no escape.
End of Episode 6.